FILM: Diary Of A Wimpy Kid The Long Haul (dir: David Bowers, 2017)

"I knew we shouldn't have come here."

Five years on from the last entry, and retaining the franchise director Bowers but with a reboot cast, The Long Haul aptly describes this disappointingly bland movie.  By moving from the domestic setting to a very generic family road trip, the film loses the domestic dynamic and the interplay between Greg and his friends that were integral to the previous films.  Zachary Gordon and Devon Bostick are sorely missed as the warring brothers, with Jason Drucker and Charlie Wright trying a little too hard as their substitutes here, and the extraordinary casting coup of Alicia Silverstone and Tom Everett Scott as the parents is largely wasted.  The Long Haul seems somewhat underpowered in comparison with the previous Wimpy Kid films, and oddly makes two pointed references to Mad Max and Psycho, great films but hardly appropriate touchstones for its intended young target audience.

FILM: Baywatch (dir: Seth Gordon, 2017)

"It was worth a try."

Of the two particular huge 80s TV properties - Dallas and Baywatch - that have languished in Development Hell for years while studios and writers have tried to nail the right tone to bring them to the big screen, Baywatch finally emerges without that issue having been fully resolved.  The template is clearly the money-spinning 21/22 Jump Street films, but this film is thinner on laughs (largely owing to the ridiculous two-hour runtime) and the script is surprisingly timid.  Take out a couple of deliberate gross-out scenes, and what remains is a bigger-budget, noisy, relatively straight update of the original TV show.  Johnson and Efron are both now very proficient at this kind of straight-faced comedy delivery and are well cast here, but the rest of the characters have little to do.  It is not the disaster that a lot of critics are saying, but the final impression is that if this film had purposefully gone for all-out comedy or a fully-serious take, a better film may have resulted instead of this version which curiously falls between the two.    

FILM: Pirates of the Caribbean 5 - Salazar's Revenge (US Title: Dead Men Tell No Tales) 3D (dir: Joachim Rønning and Espen Sandberg, 2017)

"There's a witch!  And a pirate!  In my shop!"

Thankfully, much of the self-indulgent bloat of the previous sequels has been stripped away for this fifth entry, but the fundamental problem remains: there is nothing new for this franchise to offer.  Although the story, characters and beats sail perilously close to the original film which is the clear touchstone here, there is much to enjoy: 3D, physical and CG effects and use of camera are fine, there are some lively sequences (including a bank robbery that takes the concept to a whole new level and the ghost-sharks are good), Bardem is a reasonable villain, Scodelario and Thwaites - two strong young actors - are suitable Knightley/Bloom substitutes, and the third act is strong with a charming final scene.  Nevertheless, it is still overlong, a lot feels too familiar, and Jack Sparrow is no longer swaggering fun but simply dumb (although, like Jar Jar Binks, children love the character).  This is one of the more tolerable Pirates sequels, but do not go looking for anything startling or new.

FILM: King Arthur - Legend Of The Sword (dir: Guy Ritchie, 2017)

"I'm not controlling it."

Well, Warner Brothers knew what they were getting, and King Arthur delivers exactly what it says on the tin, a mega-budget Guy Ritchie movie, but unfortunately those two elements do not necessarily sit together comfortably.  With its geezer dialogue that jars with the high-fantasy The Lord Of The Rings visual trappings and Ritchie's trademark unorthodox stylised direction style, the movie is at times kinetic and energised, but at others simply messy in delivery.  Storytelling is often hampered by unnecessary narrative trickiness where clarity and a clear forward momentum would have helped enormously, and the film certainly loses its way in an extended mid-section assassination attempt and its aftermath.  Whereas all of these ideas largely worked in Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes movies, owing to a lighter touch and the interplay between Downey Jnr and Law, King Arthur is much more heavy-handed, even down to its leaden music score, and the scale of its often-impressive visual effects seems too big.  Law and Hunnam are fine - if anything, Hunnam's Arthur might have benefited from even more swagger.  Overall, King Arthur has some interesting ideas, such as the origin of the sword in the stone, but it too often feels like a mis-match of style and material, and over-long as a result.

FILM: Colossal (dir: Nacho Vigalondo, 2017)

"It looks like a Wes Anderson film in here.  I love it!"

A bigger audience deserves to give Colossal a chance, as it is not just quirky and interesting but it also delights with its visual and aural creativity.  Anne Hathaway almost charms as the out-of-work party girl who appears to be linked psychically to a monster that repeatedly appears in Seoul, and her performance gets stronger as her character gets more complex later in the film, and Dan Stevens again does good work as the comparatively uptight boyfriend, but the real standout turn here is from Jason Sudeikis as the bar-owning old school pal which is wonderfully clear, effective and delivers the developing character well.  Scenarios develop and unfold in interesting ways, leading to a fairly audacious and satisfying ending. In spite of its title, Colossal is quite a small, intimate movie that delivers very satisfyingly on all counts.

FILM: Snatched (dir: Jonathan Levine, 2017)

"I'm breaking up with you."
"When?"

Sometimes with a movie the idea sounds better than the reality, and this rather forgettable and lightweight comedy from the director of Warm Bodies and 50/50 disappoints.   What should have been a breezy fish-out-of-water comedy with a brilliant marquee pairing of Amy Schumer (here, variable) and the wonderful Goldie Hawn (who occasionally performs minor miracles with very little) does not catch fire owing to thin and predictable material which pulls off a couple of good gags in spite of seeing the pay-off way ahead.  Whilst not a disaster, Snatched reeks of wasted opportunities.

FILM: Alien Covenant (dir: Ridley Scott, 2017)

"Have fun, y'all!"

Alien Covenant has clearly divided the critics, and it is very easy to see both sides.  Scott has certainly listened to the die-hards after Prometheus, and the fan-boy button-pushing starts almost straight away and is very pleasing.  In spite of his previous reservations, Ridley Scott does manage to restore some of the fear of the titular beastie, with the new neomorph in particular providing creature attack scenes that are swift, sharp and full-on.  A very controlled and contemplative prologue under the opening credits swiftly sorts out some - but certainly not all - of the plot head-scratchers that Prometheus gave, and Covenant certainly provides a successful progression of the xenomorph and an engaging explanation of how it came to be.  However, the links to the previous prequel (this is getting complicated) are also what undoes Covenant to an extent, as the new film judders to a halt whenever the big themes of creation, free will and chance are seemingly needed to be discussed, especially in a patience-testing sequence of scenes about two-thirds of the way through.  However, for the most part the film works very well: the action set-pieces are great (two of them in the final act in particular), the idea of the colonist main crew all being couples adds a good dynamic and more emotional heft, the plotting and dialogue are notably better than Prometheus, and Waterston, Fassbender and (amazingly) McBride are all very good.  From the sci-fi angle, Covenant looks superb, and the degree of replaying a number of the franchise's Greatest Hits is just on the right side of acceptable.  What is expected to be the next (closer) of this trilogy that links directly into the original Alien is set up effectively, but Covenant also leaves one gigantic plot-hole regarding Alien/Aliens that will be very interesting to see how it is resolved.

FILM: Unlocked (dir: Michael Apted, 2017)

"Clean work."

Unlocked feels like a thriller from the early 2000s, with more than a hint of Bourne, the London-set scenes from the last couple of Bond films and a hefty dose of Spooks.  From its opening shot, most of the film is set in very-familiar central-London-tourist locations which do look good on the screen.  Noomi Rapace leads the movie strongly as ex-CIA interrogator brought back into the fold to 'unlock' a terrorist biological threat against Americans in London, with reliable support from Michael Douglas and John Malkovich, plus Orlando Bloom seemingly auditioning for Eastenders, Toni Collette doing her frosty Brit turn and the director running a Paul Greengrass tribute session. There are some sharp (and sudden) action sequences and enough twists and turns to keep attention, some very blunt and sometimes muddled messages about immigrants, but overall this is a reasonable if familiar thriller that feels confident enough to suggest ongoing adventures at the end. 

FILM: Sleepless (dir: Baran bo Odar, 2017)

"Ladies and gentlemen: Nevada's finest!"

This routine Las Vegas-set dirty cops and drug lords thriller has a good cast but rarely sets the pulses racing, set over one day/night as a seemingly double-dealing detective (adequately played by Jamie Foxx) has to rescue his kidnapped son after a drugs heist goes wrong.  There are a couple of very lively action sequences (the kidnap itself and a full-on kitchen fight), but most of the intended story surprises are quite predictable, the effects of seriously-sustained injuries seem to come and go randomly, the final act descends into quite extraordinary silliness, but there is some good work from Michelle Monaghan (even if stuck in angry mode) and notably Octavius J. Johnson as the teenage son.

VOD: Headshot (dirs: Timo Tjahjanto and Kimo Stamboel, 2017)

"This has been going for far too long.  I don't want to kill any more."

Headshot sets out its stall straight away, with a frantic and violent prison shoot-out/break-out with a coldly manipulative antagonist and a ridiculous body count, followed by our amnesiac hero washed up unconscious on a beach.  The film then follows a very well-worn path of discovering the past through fragmented random flashbacks and a returning set of 'special skills' that ultimately bring together the two opening narrative strands, but it is delivered with an effective and often nasty visceral edge tempered with the occasional softer or humorous moments.  The film also boasts a very cool music score that works well.  As with The Raid films, Iko Uwais is both sympathetic and charming but also delivers massively on the action front, which he also co-choreographed.  There is some creatively-staged mayhem, standouts including Uwais fending off a crazed attacker whist chained to a table and a terrific extended duke-out at a besieged police station, not forgetting the inevitable final showdown.  Headshot clearly knows its genre and its audience very well, and whilst it is a shade overlong, if you like Eastern action films, this film certainly delivers the goods.

VOD: The Void (dirs: Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski, 2017)

"You'd be surprised at the things you find, when you go looking."

This low-budget horror film tries very hard, and it intrigues from its interest-grabbing pre-titles sequence.  It leans heavily on early Carpenter, especially the body-horror of The Thing and the under-siege element of Assault On Precinct 13 (here, a closing-down hospital), using tightly-controlled direction and camerawork and an ominous soundtrack to create a relentless feeling of unease and foreboding, punctuated with sudden bursts of strongly-realised physical gore effects.  Unusually, the characters react almost realistically to the increasingly shocking, bizarre and unpleasant events as they unfold, until the movie finally tips over into true Lovecraft/Barker territory in the final act which has great ambition and nearly works.  Overall The Void is a pleasing and well-made effort that horror fans will enjoy.

VOD: Phantasm RaVager (dir: David Hartman, 2017)

""I'm still trying to make sense of this story of yours..."

Way back at the end of the 1970s, as teenagers we were captivated and somewhat bemused by Don Coscarelli's little indie horror that introduced us to The Tall Man, the Lady In Lavender and the silver spheres.  Now, the long-promised fifth and final chapter of the Phantasm saga arrives after a wait of nearly two decades, without its series director in the big chair, and it is quite a disappointment.   This micro-budget effort - originally conceived as webisodes, and it clearly shows - simply lacks the resources to put on screen a satisfactory ending to the franchise.  Although the Phantasm series is famous for its dream-logic and loose grip on reality and coherence, even by its own standards RaVager has some very weakly-written and unnecessary scenes.  What does work to a large extent is Reggie's framing dementia storyline, which allows for occasionally effective intercutting between 'realities' and leads to a surprisingly emotional ending to his story, but even then this is undermined by an unnecessary tacked-on coda.  To its credit, all the major players return, with the late Angus Scrimm still effective as The Tall Man in his limited final appearance.  There are some nice fan-pleasing moments - the film even manages to find a couple of new twists on the flying spheres - but overall it is a great shame that RaVager is largely underwritten, underpowered, underfunded and not very satisfying.